feel like.......not being here anymore

i've been really down these past couple of days. may be the pain of just going through my day to day stuff is getting me down. or the excitement of getting the rear veiw mirrors printed at work. or the fact i have a contitdition with a couple of my kids. (cats). But what ever it is. its not good. the days are filled with the pain of being her just waiting. waiting for what? i don't want to wait my turn any more. i almost feel that i need to just get closer to her. but, then again i would always get directions to the place we were going two exit before i needed to. so, what dose that tell you? I read the back chapters first in a book? well sort of.

Just when ourlives were going they way we wanted then, You know we were in it for the long haul. But WE got held up. I think the biggest thing is that I could not "fix it". It was ME, that was to care of her. I WOULD HAVE, IF I KNEW. And that just is eating at me bad. I read that they have these lastest and greatest procedures to "fix" the problem. BUT If you didn't know, or should I say, IF I didn't know, how could I do anything. Looks like a catch 22. Now Do I blame. I have and I will. They have to live with to. Sandy and had the life to each other. I had someone ask me 'how long were you married?' I replyed 'a life time'. they was taken back by the reply, but the said 'your right'. And we were a life time together.
I just have to get over this low and see what happens. I think being selfesh is not going to help matters.

I got the first print of the "KNOW YOUR BRAIN" hangers. They look great. so get you $1.00 bills out. I'm asking for that as a donation. ANd if checks are needed, Make them payable to the BA Foundation/Sandy Vancil.

I love life, but not as much as before. I have my life as an angel.

The oicture from one of our christmass's. with a benny baby look-a-like milky way. whom is right next to Sandy